Have you ever met someone eager to please others, sometimes at their own expense? Sometimes their gestures don’t come off as kindness but as a desperate attempt to be accepted. They are willing to make extreme sacrifices to ensure that others have a pleasurable experience even at the expense of their own.
As you watched you might even have the thought “You’re better than me.”
That person was likely a people pleaser.
People pleasers present a strong compulsion to cultivate the experiences of others usually without regard for the impact on themselves. People-pleasing is a maladaptive behavior involving the editing of one’s thoughts, beliefs, and/or actions in an effort to create positive feelings and reactions from another. They may do so to gain acceptance, seek reassurance, soothe insecurities, or to feel needed and connected with others. They may also simply wish to manage their own feelings by avoiding conflict and maintaining the peace.
People-pleasing is not kindness or altruism, where there is a balance in selflessness without damaging oneself or expecting anything in return. It is a form of dependency where a person exchanges kindness for validation. Just like the teenager desperately needing to climb the social ladder in high school, a people pleaser's fears encourage their behavior.
Signs of a People Pleaser
Most commonly people pleasers:
Have difficulty telling others no: If you find it difficult to tell others no when they ask you for something, you may be a people pleaser. Many people-pleasers prefer making up excuses later to get out of a commitment instead of saying no from the start. If you do follow-through, you can regret not having the strength to stand up for yourself.
Find it challenging to say no to requests even when they are unable to offer any assistance
Change their personality based on their surroundings: People pleasers shift their behavior and attitude to match that of the person or group. That can lead to you acting in ways that are out of character or taking part in actions you disagree with just to fit in socially.
People pleasers might also:
- Experience constant anxiety and have deep concern for other people's opinions of them
- Apologize and take the fault even when they are not culpable
- Capitalize on avoidance tactics.
- Deny their authentic feelings
- Tell others what they want to hear with the aim to keep the peace
- Fear letting others down
- Fear rejection
- Feel insecure - therefore, they rely heavily on affirmation from others.
- Have low self-worth
People Pleasing and Anxiety
The stress of making numerous sacrifices, sometimes impossible or costly, can leave one perpetually anxious. Anxiety symptoms may include nervousness, tension, difficulty concentrating, increased heart rate, or a general sense of urgency. It takes a lot of mental effort, emotional investment, and time to meet multiple demands and expectations, whether real or perceived. Anxiety is particularly heightened when the pleaser fears the risk of getting rejected.
Pleasers attempt to manage the persistent often uncontrollable worries and doubts about themselves or their relationship status with others. Because the act of pleasing only yields momentary pleasure, one must stay activated to engage in the next round of pleasing. The pressure to meet demands, fulfill wishes, and the fear of failure or rejection are intense enough to stimulate long standing stress responses. Unfortunately, these insecurities drive the urge to please.
Anxiety feeds on this lingering worrisome state and continued exposure without any intervention can morph into a severe anxiety disorder.
People Pleasing and Depression
Constant giving eats at the pleaser's self-worth, decreasing motivation while increasing feelings of hopelessness. Ultimately, repeated hits to self-worth or not feeling effective triggers symptoms of depression. Symptoms such as feelings of worthlessness, loss of pleasure, exhaustion, anxiety, or difficulty making decisions.
Pleasers may experience persistent sadness because they long for acceptance, which hardly ever comes, due to repeated interactions with the need to fulfill expectations with little personal rewards, or as a byproduct of the overwhelm or worry they experience. Pleasers may also feel taken advantage of, assuming that others only value what they can be done for them, which makes the pleaser feel worse and trapped in a vicious servitude cycle.
Constantly tending to other people's needs is exhausting. It can result in compassion fatigue from always giving and worrying. It causes emptiness, anger, resentment, and agitation. Which makes managing depression even harder. Lingering anxiety also increases the person's vulnerability to depression.
Advantages and Disadvantages of People Pleasing
There are not many advantages to people pleasing because it is burdensome and futile to try and please everyone. You cannot make everyone happy. You only get a little pleasure from being appreciated for a kind gesture. However, you must maintain the action for the affirmation to keep flowing. The endeavor comes at the expense of your health.
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- The sacrifices you make come at the expense of time, energy, and sometimes money
- The anxiety from constantly worrying if people like you can trigger other severe mood disorders
- It may be difficult to determine when others abuse and misuse your kind gestures
- People pleasing only worsens your self-worth because people hardly get to know your true personality.
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People pleasing isn’t always about acceptance. It is often a learned behavior developed in response to or when coping with traumatic experiences while dealing with distant caregivers or abusive relationships. Some pleasers are genuinely seeking to help without understanding the connection to their desire to feel needed.
Check back next month as we discuss the advantages of being a people pleaser (yes, you read that correctly), and strategies to challenge the need to please others.
Think You Might Be A People Pleaser?
If you find yourself doing more than your fair share, Simplicity Psychotherapy can help with individual or couples therapy services. Our team Black Female Therapists will work with you to increase your ability to advocate for your needs.
Visit us for online therapy or meet us at our office in Atlanta for in person services.
About the Author
I’m Rayvéne Whatley a Licensed Professional Counselor in Georgia, Louisiana, and Texas. I enjoy empowering you to remove the mask of other people’s expectations and have the audacity to be yourself. I have a particular passion for Black man and women cope with anxiety and challenge expectations by reexamining beliefs that no longer suit their desires.
Note: While the information above is intended to provide insight as you begin your journey they are not intended to replace the guidance of a trained professional. Exploring these concerns in the presence of a licensed counselor or other licensed professional may provide deeper insight and assist in managing more multifaceted concerns that may arise.